Us
by Tvroxmysox
Summary: And I turn to look out the window before I can see your face. And I am drowning in the midst of a wildfire. Just a one-shot.


**A/N: Okay, so 6 months later... I have re-emerged. This is just a little piece about a possible relationship. I'm not much of a shipper, but I admit, the 2 characters really do have some chemistry. Since school's been keeping me busy, I haven't had much (any) time at all to work on writing. And I'm rusty. Which is totally depressing. Hopefully getting back up as the summer rolls around!**

**Enjoy! And review!**

**Love always,**

**Sox**

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><p>Sunlight filters through your thin blinds and it's terribly hard to keep my eyes closed. You are snoring softly next to me, and your arm is heavier than it looks. You have tucked me against your chest like a lover, which I am not. I am trapped, and yearning to be set free. Because I cannot let you love someone who will never love you back. I cannot hurt you like that. Slowly, I roll out of your embrace and I step gingerly around the room, feeling like a flamingo in a minefield. I yank my clothes on as fast as I can and, trying not to think about you, I slip out the door. When you wake up in the morning, I will be gone. And I can't help but wish last night would be gone too.<p>

I see you two hours later, and I hope and pray that you won't say anything. You brush past me without looking up from your cell phone. I know I should be relieved, but then why does it hurt so much? And somewhere just outside my reach are the words I am trying to say. Somewhere just beyond those bounds are the answers I am seeking. If only these chains would fall, and the silences won't stretch on forever anymore.

There is a part of me that want you to come find me. To come and yell at me for all the terrible things I made you feel. And maybe, that part still wants you to care about me. A part of me want's me to go find you myself. To ask you why it had to be like this, when will we stop dancing around each other? But there are no real answers to those questions. And meeting in the middle was never how you expected it to be.

"_Tony…"_

"_Yeah?"_

Empty space, empty time will never be completely filled. Distances can be covered, but whatever gets lost on the way is never the same when it gets wherever it's going. And moments are never going to come back, except to haunt you.

"_Good night." I say, walking away from the scary expectations and threat of falling. You might have called out, but I never turn around, just so I don't have to see your face._

And meanings falls away with every single thing left unsaid, and hopes die off. Your gentle smile fades and I don't know where I am anymore. And when everything will go spiralling out of control.

You can't want me, or need me. For I am damaged goods, cheap knockoffs from China. One day, you will see past the shiny exterior and find a flawed and repulsive me. And it will hurt.

And I do not want to hurt you any more than I have.

Balmy summer air makes it feel like we're walking through water. Maybe we are. Maybe we are just trying to move when we both know all too well that people like us cannot make it to the end without drowning. And we will always find each other somewhere in the middle of a raging wildfire, both too frightened to move. And somewhere in the midst of the heat and the water and all that I am frightened of, I forget that you don't need you. Somehow, when we are both drowning in the middle of a wildfire, I reach for you.

"_Are you frightened?" I asked you once._

You do not respond for a long time, and maybe I see something in your eyes that makes me need you. When you answer me, it's with a small, hard nod of your head. And we meet in a wild clash of sparks and rapidly pounding hearts. We find each other in a life that scares us both, and would rather lose ourselves than lose each other.

Sometimes, when it's dark and I am alone, I fear for you. I fear that you do not fear for yourself. And maybe that's the impulse that leads me to your door at 2am just to hear your voice. Just to make sure you're still alive. And I never know what to say. I cannot say I am sorry, for there is nothing to be sorry about. I cannot tell you I love you, for I cannot love. And we both know that some fears, some emotions cannot be put into words. So we settle for silence. And maybe those are the only times we are on the same page.

I am gazing out the grimy window of your car and you are staring straight ahead. I can tell that you are not actually focussed on the road and that knowledge fills me with something I cannot pinpoint. Your jaw is set in a hard line, and you eyes are filled with ice. I want to scream at you, to make you understand what I can and cannot do. I want to tell you that I hurt people, and that's how it is. But something stronger is building up in my chest, and something I cannot pinpoint is on the tip of my tongue. Words I do not say, for I am scared that I will regret saying them. But they are pouring from my lips. Angrily, and I cannot stop them. I am stumbling over the words but I do not stop. I cannot stop. I am telling you about all the people I ended up leaving. Or hurting. Or killing in the end. And you brow is furrowed slightly as you listen. And I feel like you should be yelling back. For I am screaming hurtful things and truths that I haven't completely accepted.

My words fill the little car, taking up all the room and all of a sudden, I find it hard to breathe. And I fall silent, waiting for your angry reply I'm not sure I want to hear. You voice is soft, but it rings in my ears, as loud as words could get.

"But…what about us?" You say, softly and gently and I am almost overcome by an overwhelming desire to hit you. Or scream at you some more. Anything that will make those words hurt less.

"Tony," I say, in a voice that's caught between angry and despondent, "there's no such things as 'us'."

And I turn to look out the window before I can see your face. And I am drowning in the midst of a wildfire. I am filled with some kind of hurt that makes it oh, so hard to breathe. And you are there, sitting next to me. I cannot read you, but I am scared. Scared that things will never be the same. That we will not figure out how to meet in the middle before this hurt swallows me up. Before you, and everything else I am willing to die for, are gone. Before I lose all semblance of composure and drown.

And I just never expected caring to hurt so much. Never expected seeing eye to eye would be so hard. I guess I never expected that this is what it feels like to be human.

And I will find myself knocking on your door at 2am, just to hear to sound of your voice.


End file.
